What's it gonna be, Angelina?
(woman) It was Grogan - the dirtiest, dumbest excuse for a man west of the Missouri River.
You can die two ways, angel.
Quick, like the tongue of a snake...
...or slower than the molasses in January.
- But it was October... - I'll kill ya, damn it, if it's the Fourth of July!
Where is it?!
Get over there!
I told him to get out... now that he had what he came for.
Not quite, angel.
Take 'em off. Do it!
Come on!
Agh!
That was the end of Grogan, the man who killed my father...
... raped and murdered my sister, burned my ranch...
... shot my dog and stole my Bible!
But if there was one law of the West...
... bastards had brothers...
... who seemed to ride forever.
But suddenly there he was, my beloved Jessie!
He was the one man I trusted, the only man.
My heart leapt as I watched him ride near.
I could barely wait to feel the warmth of his touch!
At the moment his lips met mine...
... I knew that we would never again be apart.
I knew then that we would spend the rest of our lives together!
Forever!
(sobs)
Oh, God, that's good!
The...
...End.
Oh!
Oh.
I finished, sweetheart. You wanna celebrate? Hm?
(meows)
So do I.
Romeo, Romeo! Where art thou, Romeo?
Yeah! Hey, it's Bumble Bee, kiddo!
Just so you know, I spare no expense when I celebrate.
Here's looking at you, Jessie...
...whoever you are.
Are you finished?
Thank you.
Oh, come here, Romeo.
(phone rings)
Hello?
- Hello? - (hangs up)
Oh, my God, Romeo. Is that the time?
Gloria! I'm gonna be late.
Oh!
- Hi. - Oh, hi, pumpkin.
Mrs Irwin, why won't you take the elevator?
Oh, pumpkin, I never get in an elevator alone. You know - rapists.
- Where are you running off to? - Oh, I've got to get to my publisher's.
By the way, the mailman couldn't fit this into your box...
...so I told him I'd give it to you.
That's some love letter.
- Mrs Irwin, you're a tease. - I know, but I keep hoping for you, pumpkin.
Hey, lady! How about a monkey for your nephew?
- I'll give you it for $10! Great deal! - Oh, no, I don't...
It's really nice! Your boyfriend'll love it. It's kinda kinky.
(trader) $9. $8, bottom line.
(Joan) Thank you, but I really don't need a monkey.
But, lady, it's kinda cute! Look.
Hey! That's Miss Wilder's apartment.
Can I help you?
Excuse me.
(caretaker) Get away from that door!
What's this?
(caretaker groans)
Wimp. Wimp.
Loser. Loser.
Major loser.
Too angry. Too vague.
Too desperate. God, too happy!
Oh! Look at this guy. Mr Mondo-dizmo. I actually used to date him.
Total sleaze bucket.
Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
Hold everything. Get a load of this character.
Now what about him?
No, he... he's just not...
Who? Jessie?
Maybe it's silly, but I know that there is somebody out there for me.
Oh, yeah? Where?
Certainly not here.
Gloria, why do we always have to have this same conversation?
Because I like you, Joan, and I hate to see you all alone...
...waiting for somebody who's not gonna show up.
OK, Gloria.
- Here it is. - Mm!
Read it and weep. I always do.
- I'll call you, OK? - Oh, come on. Have another grasshopper.
- I can't. - I'm your publisher. I'm ordering you to.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I even dragged you to this place. I just wanted you to get out.
I know how hard you've been working. I know you're upset about your sister.
Come on. How is she? Have you heard from her?
Elaine? I spoke to her last week. She's still in Colombia.
Have they... found her husband's body yet?
Just the one... piece.
You know what's really creepy?
I got this package from Eduardo from Colombia.
Must have been mailed just before he...
(groans) God!
Can you imagine how awful? Having your husband murdered!
How is she holding up?
Oh, she'll be fine. Elaine always... manages.
CARTAGENA, COLOMBIA
(girl) Dos, tres, cuatro...
Uno, dos, tres...
Hey, Ira.
The kid's here with the broad. They're taking her to the boat.
Look at these snappers, will ya?
(snarling)
We shouldajust rifled her room.
Ralph, how many times do I have to tell you? It's not in the country.
This kidnapping stuff makes me real nervous.
Agh!
It's a piss-poor idea. It's nothing but trouble.
Look. We've stolen enough of these antique trinkets...
...to keep us living comfortably for the rest of our lives.
Let's kiss off this Third World toilet.
One last big one. Trust me, Ralph. Trust me.
Whoa!
Did you see that, Ralph? That ugly, striped son of a bitch down there?
Somebody's gonna get killed, and you fart around with prehistoric animals!
Come on, Ira. Let's forget this one. I got a real bad feeling about it. Real bad!
Will you stop worrying? Have I ever hurt you?
I will never hurt you. I can't hurt you. We got the same blood.
We're not two people. We are one person. Would I hurt me?
(snarling)
Look at those snappers, Ralph.
(pants)
(squeaking)
(Romeo screeches)
Oh, Romeo! Oh, baby! Oh!
- (phone rings) - (Joan screams)
- Hello? - Hello, Joan?
- Can you hear me? - Elaine? I can't talk right now.
Listen to me. Listen very carefully.
- I'm in trouble. - Elaine, please!
Joanie, I am in real trouble!
- What's the matter? - Has any mail been forwarded to you...
... with Eduardo's handwriting on it? Any big envelope?
- Yes. - Oh! Honey...
... see if there's some kind of treasure map inside.
It says... El Corazón.
I need you to bring that map to me in Colombia.
Colombia?!
My God! What kind of trouble are you in?
Joanie, please...
Get to the Hotel Cartagena in Cartagena.
When you arrive, call this number.
64-58-24.
- Are you writing this down? - Uh, yes.
And remember, you mustn't tell anybody!
Elaine... I can't go to Colombia.
(whimpers)
Joanie?
They'll cut me. They'll hurt me!
(hangs up)
Colombia?! Do you know what it's like there?
I do! Your books do very well in these macho countries.
They have jungles there, Joanie. Insects the size of sanitation trucks!
- Revolutionaries! Have you had your shots? - Shots? What shots?
See? You're completely unprepared. Wait a minute.
Would you tell me what's going on? Why are you doing this?
Elaine is in some trouble.
She has a... little domestic problem.
Elaine's last domestic problem was finding her husband cut into small pieces.
Now I'm not gonna let you do this. You cannot go!
Here's Romeo. I want you to promise me to feed him and hold him at least once a day.
You're gonna need something stronger than that.
Listen to me! You get bus sick, seasick, plane sick, train sick.
You practically puke riding on the escalator at Bloomingdale's!
Well... a lot of people get sick in department stores.
Joanie, please... Don't go.
You're not up to this, Joan, and you know it.
I know, but she's my sister.
I'll feed him, but I'm not picking him up.
You're crazy!
(PA) Atención, por favor. El vuelo número 301 de Pan American...
... proveniente de Nueva York...
(chattering in Spanish)
(whistles blowing)
(horns honking)
The plane from New York, has it arrived yet? The aereo arrivo aquí?
No comprendo.
Uh... Is this the bus to Cartagena?
- ¿ Qué? - Oh.
No se pare atrás...
¿Es éste el autobús?
...a Carta... - Cartagena?
Oh, you speak English. Good.
Can you tell me, is this bus going to... Carta... gena?
Yes. Cartagena.
Great. Thank you.
OK.
Oh, thank you.
(horn honks)
Huh?
Hey, you're on the wrong bus!
Hey! Miss Wilder!
She got on the wrong bus. This is terrible.
(baby cries)
Oh...
My...
Excuse me.
Excuse, uh... Excuse me.
- (pig grunts) - Ohh! Ahh!
I'm... I'm very sorry. I'm really sorry.
(woman); Estúpida!
(Joan clears throat)
I'm sorry to... to bother you.
Can you tell me what time we get to Cartagena?
- ¿ Qué? - Is this the bus to Cartagena?
- ¿ Qué? - I need to get to Cartagen...
(screams)
(pig grunts)
(angry shouting)
¿Ahora qué vamos a hacer con esta vaina?
; Se quebró! ; Bájense!
; Bájense! ; Ha quebrado!
What are we gonna do now?
(Joan) Where's my suitcase?
(Joan grunts)
You don't have to walk. Another bus will come along.
What?
They know nothing. They are peasants.
Another bus? Really?
Of course.
There are schedules to be maintained...
...even in Colombia.
- What?! - The purse.
- What do you... - ; La bolsa!
(cocks pistol)
(whistling)
; AIto!
(gasps)
; Fuera!
(gasps)
- (gasps) - (man) What the hell?
Jesus Christ! What the hell happened to my birds?!
Son of a bitch!
Hi.
(Spanish) I demand this car in the name of the law.
- Turn the car around. Let's go! - Oh, no. Talk about breaks.
Don't I know you?
(American accent) No comprendo.
You are American.
Od-i-o... americanos.
I spit on 'em! I hate americanos! They're scumo! Scum!
(French) Are you French?
Well, honey, looks like we're gonna have to waitjust a little longer.
Shit.
Excuse me. Could you please tell me how to get to a telephone?
- No, lady. I don't have any idea. I'm sorry. - It's very important that I get one.
Well, we've all got our problems today, don't we?
Can you tell me where the nearest town is?
- How about Miami? - Will there be another bus?
This is it. You got rush hour.
I, uh... have to get to Cartagena.
Cartagena? Angel, you are hell and gone from Cartagena.
Cartagena's over there on the coast.
- But they told me this bus... - Who told you that?
- That man that... - That nice man who pulled a gun on you.
What else did he tell you?
- Please, I need your help. - That's my new career, huh?
- It's very imp... - Lady, lady.
Half a year's workjust flew south for the winter, all right?
My Jeep is totalled.
In about five minutes, everything I own is gonna be wet. So could you lighten up?
I'll pay you. You don't understand. It's a matter of life and death...
How much?
$50?
- Oh, shit. - You said you lost everything you owned.
- Not my sense of humour. - Well, uh... I'll pay you $100.
$200!
(thunder rumbles)
I'll do it...
...for five. - What?! F...
I'll pay you $250.
Now, I ain't cheap, but I can be had.
My minimum price for taking a stranded woman to a telephone is $400.
- Will you take $375 in traveller's cheques? - American Express?
- Of course. - You got a deal.
Good.
(Spanish) Move it!
Señor Zolo.
Attention!
- Assemble your men! - Yes, sir!
(sighs)
Ow!
You got any valuables in that suitcase?
No. Yes. All my clothes and things.
- You got an umbrella? - No.
- You got a good pair of walking shoes? - They're all like these.
Uh-huh.
OK, let's make some time.
You ba...
(screams)
Oh, shit!
(Joan whimpers)
Whoo-hoo!
Oh, goddamn it, what a ride, huh?!
Whoo! Ha-ha!
I'm telling you, this is turning out to be one hell of a morning!
- You OK? - (whimpers)
I said, are you hurt?
What's the matter? Are you paralysed from the neck up? Are you hurt?!
- No! - Good!
- What's your name? - Uh? Uh...
I'm... Joan... Wilder.
Joan Wilder? Welcome to Colombia!
(phone rings)
- Diga. - Ira, I...
Oh, hi, Ma. It's me, Irving.
- Ralph, you little twerp, where are you? - Calm down, Ma. Who says I never call?
For Christ's sake, tell me the story.
All right, cousin. As usual, you got us in some serious shit here.
First of all, the stupid dame got on the wrong bus.
Now I'm stuck in some kind of spicko military compound.
They're mobilising for lwo Jima here.
- Do they know who you are? - Oh, what do you think?
I'm going up, introducing myself to every cop in the pueblo?
And another little tidbit, cousin.
Guess who else is here?
- Zolo! - Oh! Well, give the man a cigar!
You're goddamned right, Zolo. He got in my car.
Not only are we kidnappers, but I'm about to have a close encounter with a cattle prod.
- Has he got his boys with him? - No, no, no.
He's making do with the local yo-yos.
Oh, no. Ohh!
- Look! - Goddamn it, Ralph! Get that map!
Don't yell at me, Ira! Don't yell at me!
Look, you wanna kill me?
Take me back to Queens and kill me. Don't let me die in ajungle like a goddamned snake.
Ralph, goddamn it, I don't care what you gotta do. Just get me that map!
Little sister took the wrong road.
And that third party I told you about...
...he's tagging along.
The man who killed my husband?
The butcher who killed your husband.
A very powerful man with his own private army to back him up.
And whether he calls himself Dr Zolo, Minister of Antiquities...
...or Colonel Zolo, Deputy Commander of the Secret Police...
...he's still just a butcher.
Look at those snappers, will ya?
- What's the matter? You sick? - Oh, no. I lost my button.
- You lost what? - I lost my button... My button.
You're gonna lose a lot more than that.
- These were Italian. - Now they're practical.
Is nothing that I own sacred to you?
Only your $375.
- (gunshots) - (gasps)
- Cops! - ; Acábelos!
What the hell do they want?!
I haven't done anything lately.
; Mátelos!
I'm shooting at a cop!
Wait a minute. He's after you.
- Who the hell are you?! - I'm... I'm a romance... novelist.
You're what?!
- What are you doing here?! - I told you. My sister's life depends on me.
Don't give me that shit. I thought you were donating a kidney or something.
- ; Ándale, ándale! ; Váyanse! - Christ, here they come!
This may be a good time to try on those shoes, right about now.
(gunfire)
- Wait! - Deal's off, lady!
Wait!
; Cabrones!
Lady, you are bad news.
What'd you do? Wake up this morning and say...
..."Today... I'm gonna ruin a man's life"?
; Sigan!
; Indios pendejos!
- Do you know where you're going? - Looks like a kind of trail.
This is a trail?!
Aagh!
Ahh!
Lady, you are ajinx!
What about the bridge?
That ain't a bridge. It's goddamn pre-Columbian art.
- We can't get across that. - (shouting)
Aw, shit. All right, all right.
We're gonna hold them off right from here. You just stay right behind me.
Goddamn it! I knew I should've listened to my mother.
- ; Rápido, rápido! ; Más de prisa! - ; Se fueron por aquí!
I could've been a cosmetic surgeon. 500,000 a year, tits and ass everywhere.
; Vénganse por acá!
Lady, I hope you're taking notes...
...cos you got a real-live death scene going on right here.
(screams)
Romantic novelist, my ass!
(screams)
Somebody!
- ; Sigan este camino! - Holy shit!
Ugh!
Joan!
; Ya está!
- We can't cross. - We won't catch them up.
What the hell are you doing?
Drinkin'?! I could've been killed, and you're drinkin'?!
(gunfire)
Wait!
(Spanish) Oh, yes. I will catch them up. Let's go!
Let's go!
(thunder rumbles)
Are we stopping?
Be my guest.
(thunderclap)
(Joan screams)
(moans)
You OK?
Come on.
- Is anybody else in there? - No.
No, it's a cargo plane.
What is all this?
All this? About five to life in the States.
A couple of centuries down here.
Oh, marijuana.
Oh, you smoke it?
I went to college.
Sure.
(chuckles)
- All right. OK. - (Joan sighs with relief)
Oh, God, do I love those flyboys!
What?
This is Elaine's favourite drink.
Oh! (splutters)
You gonna tell me about that, uh... sister of yours?
I already did.
Her husband died and, uh...
...and I've come down here to comfort her.
- Uh-huh. - It's the truth.
Right. Yeah, it's the truth.
All right. I'm gonna make a fire.
(Joan grunts)
You got any dry matches in here?
Well, looky here.
Oh, no, don't!
I think you and I ought to have a talk.
All right.
Yeah, that's what I call a campfire.
Whoo!
So they're ransoming your sister for this El Corazón.
That's Spanish for "the heart".
This map here leads to the heart.
But the heart of what?
I don't care.
You see here where it says this El Corazón is hidden in Córdoba province?
Uh-huh.
So we're sitting right in the middle of it.
All I care about is my sister. And that map is her life.
Like hell it is. Whatever's at the end of this map is your sister's life.
Now, we get our hands on this El Corazón...
...then you got something to bargain with.
- I knew it would happen. - You knew what would happen?
All you care about is yourself. I knew that from the moment I laid eyes on you.
Oh, was that the first moment when I saved your ass?
There. You see? There you go. You have no finesse.
No style.
A real man doesn't have to draw attention to his actions.
You're... You're just... You're a mondo-dizmo.
I'm... What am I? I'm what?
You're a man who takes money from stranded women.
A real man... is honest and forthright...
...and trustworthy.
Would you please do me the courtesy of looking at me when I'm speaking to you?
I mean, this is exactly what I'm talking about.
I mean, if you had any kind of manners...
(screams)
Goddamn bushmaster.
Is it... poisonous?
Yeah... but very tasty.
(gags)
Uniforme.
See, you gotta figure sulphur-crested cockatoos...
...they go for about 800 a shot.
Then you got gentle red-tails. They're close to 2,000 each.
Shit. I figure I lost close to... 15,000 bucks in that bus crash.
- Wow. - Mm-hm.
You want to know something crazy?
- What? - I don't even know your name.
Well, you never asked me.
Excuse me. I'd really like to know.
Colton. Jack T Colton.
- What does the T stand for? - Aw, goddamn it!
The Doobie Brothers broke up. Shit!
- When did that happen? - How long have you been down here?
Aw, man.
Forever. I don't know.
- Were you always into birds? - Uh-uh.
No, no. I, uh... No, I was, uh...
I was into shortcuts.
Birds just seemed to be a fast way to get what I wanted.
And a hell of a lot healthier than dealing in this crap.
What is it you want?
- I think I'll throw another key on the fire. - Oh, no, please. I'm getting dizzy.
What do you want, seriously?
I'd really like to know.
Came down here on a coffee boat about a year and a half ago, right?
Christ, what ajob that was.
But I couldn't get over that ocean, you know.
Yeah, I love the ocean.
You know, you just gotta get out there...
...all by yourself.
Nobody else around.
It's beautiful.
So that's what I want.
Try to get enough money together, buy a boat, sail around the world.
So you're just gonna sail away, all by yourself?
Yeah.
Sounds lonely, Jack T Colton.
Well...
...what does the T stand for?
Trustworthy.
Mm.
Ah, man, I tell ya... one hell of a morning.
It's turned into a bitch of a day.
Tenedor del Diablo.
The Devil's Fork.
(snoring)
Zolo!
Están cruzando el cementerio.
(cock crows)
- Friendly, aren't they? - Drug runners.
Just try to look mean.
Buenos días.
- Oh, shit. - What's the matter?
Nothing.
Eh, hombre.
; Eh, hombre!
- OK, here we go. - What?
- I knew I should have listened to my mother. - ; Eh, hombre!
You ready?
Uh...
Excuse me. Gentlemen... we are in need of a car.
Can any of you lovely gentlemen tell me where...
Only one car in village. Juan, the bell maker.
The bell maker.
Thank you.
Bell maker, my ass. That fuselage we slept in is probably one of Juan's lost shipments.
- You mean he's a drug de?! - Shh! Just don't say it out loud, OK?
- A dope? - Come on, let's go.